I have spent a lot of hours in therapy group settings over the past 15 years. There have been tears, there have been laughs, but nothing quite like this bizarre depiction, which gets better every time I view it. It’s from Israeli tv show ‘Ktzarim’:
If you get a chance, do consider joining a therapy group, short or long term. A safe, confidential group led by a skilled psychotherapist fosters the appropriate desire to speak and be heard. It supports dignity, self-respect and self-responsibility, and there’s an enormous need for that in this world of indignities and irresponsibility.
Therapy groups sutbly alter the expectations we’ve inherited from our family and schooling. They’re rare, invaluable spaces where we can try out new and different ways of relating and become saner, healthier social animals.
As the New Year reminds us of our gradually advancing age, let’s just consider the not inconsiderable, brighter side (with gratitude to Anthony):
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CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) is all the rage these days. Here is a pretty useful CBT exercise for those of us over-identified with our ‘thinking part’.
The Daily Mood Log (© David Burns, ‘Feeling Good Handbook’, 1989) comprises a four-step approach to tackling distorted thoughts - which we often don’t even realize are distorted until we get some external feedback or do something like this exercise. Get some paper out and try it next time you’re feeling a bit low or stressed. I’ve adapted David Burns’ original format slightly. Step One: Record the Upsetting Event in between about 10 and 25 words. Step Two: Record your Current Emotions and rate them from 0 (the least) to 100 (the most). Examples of Emotions are: sad, guilty, lonely, gloomy, miserable, cheerless, unhappy, hopeless, dismal, sullen, despondent, melancholic, angry, annoyed, irritated, livid, furious, enraged, resentful, outraged, cross, irate, frustrated, afraid, fearful, anxious, scared, terrified, helpless, nervous, worried, alarmed, frightened, embarrassed, mortified. Step Three: Record your Upsetting Thoughts and then next to each of them write the Distortion contained in the Thought together with a more positive and realistic Counter-Thought. The Upsetting Thoughts and the Distortions will probably be habitual and even feel ‘automatic’, whereas the Counter-Thoughts may be less familiar: be creative and give yourself some lovingkindness through this process! Examples of Distortions are: ‘All or Nothing’ (thinking in absolute black and white categories). Overgeneralisation (one setback makes you think in terms of never-ending defeat). Negative mental filter (dwell on the downside instead of exploring the upside). Dismissing yourself (insisting your qualities and achievements don’t count). Assumptions (taking it for granted that other people are reacting badly to you, even though you can’t possibly know for sure). Fortune telling (pessimism, even though none of us knows the future). Magnification (blowing things out of proportion). Minimisation (inappropriately dismissing the importance of people, things and events). Inappropriate reliance on your feelings (I feel like an idiot so I must be one; I don’t feel like doing this so I’ll put it off). Inappropriate reliance on the word ‘should’ (taking your internal Critic too seriously). Labelling the person instead of their action (calling yourself a ‘loser’ instead of acknowledging you ‘made a mistake’). Blaming (usually simplistic and leads nowhere!) Step Four: Reflect on your Counter-Thoughts. Try and make them believable to you, such that you can take them on board, literally breathe a sigh of relief, and think to yourself ‘Actually I’m not a bad person’ or ‘The world isn’t a wholly bad place’ or some such, more realistic view. The breath of relief is important. Take your time over this. Then consider your relationship to your original Upsetting Thoughts, and make a note how you experience yourself: · No better. · Slightly better. · Somewhat better. · Quite a lot better. · Much better.
Repeat dose as often as required!
This moving poem was written by the psychotherapist Tim Foskett:
Tell your children about men who love men And women who love women, in all manner of ways.
Tell them stories about princess who meets her prince, yes, But tell them also about the princess Who made the flower girl her lady-in-waiting, And loved her dearly ’til the day she died. Tell them of the soldiers Who came back from the war loving soldiers, And the people, from all walks of life, who choose lovers sex-similar, Not different.
Tell them so that your words break the silence, For the silence kills more of us than the violence.
Tell them about possibilities. About boys who like flowers, And girls who like guns, Men who wear dresses, And women who don’t.
Remind them that nature is plural, That life is multi-, That all girly-boys aren’t gay, And all girly-girls aren’t straight, Tell them some of them are and some of them ain’t.
Tell them these things, Because at some point, in some place, They will be different, They too will deviate from the norm. And when that time comes, They will know it’s OK To be who they are, And they wont be tempted To betray the something inside that is true.
Tell them because one day their friend, their teacher, or their child Will be lesbian. Yes, one day she will. Tell them so that when that day comes They know how to love, And not how to hate, Know how to love, and not how to hate.
Finally, tell them Because they might be too, And their ears will burn with relief and delight, To know they are safe and known to you, Not alien, Not alone, Not cast out and rejected, But safe and known and loved by you.
