Effective communication is crucial for effective problem solving in an intimate relationship. It’s usually how we communicate rather than what that causes a problem, for our messages of concern and hope and love don’t get through if our style doesn’t work with our partner.

If our communication is not moderated by tact and sensitivity our partner’s reactions may block the message we intended to send. And without clear communication we cannot make our needs known or negotiate on them.

It’s generally useful to be direct, and harmful to be ambiguous or give subtle hints. It’s useful to be precise, and harmful to be vague, leaving our partner to puzzle over what we really mean. It’s useful to be specific, giving concrete detail, but harmful to generalise, leaving ample scope for misunderstanding. It’s useful to be honest and speak from the heart, and harmful to say half-truths or to lie outright. It’s useful to respect our partner’s right to their own beliefs and decisions, but harmful to control or bend our partner to our will. It’s useful to honour our partner’s sense of self-worth and it’s harmful to be insulting.

In our own biographical past each of us learned habits and strategies that at some level worked for us – to be tactful or tactless, to aggressively control, to be empathic, or not, to be blaming or distracting or rigid or play helpless. As adults in intimate relationships we need to look at these ingrained styles with honesty and decide what we need to work at discarding or modifying.

For many of us anger is the hardest emotion to communicate to our loved one, but we do need to learn how to handle and to share all our feelings and in ways that are not destructive. Otherwise the feelings will leak out anyway, or be acted out in the form of coldness and distance, or be held in the subterranean volcanic hell of an inner rage, ready one day to burst out to destructive effect.

We cannot expect our partner to read our mind and simply know what we want. They’ll get it wrong anyway and probably grow tired of the guessing game in due course.

On the other hand, if we continually mis-hear our partner or don’t properly listen, because we’ve already made up our mind what they want, they’ll grow tired of trying to be heard!

In the end the only useful ways to communicate are those which lead to a successful resolution – this means communication based on mutual acceptance, respect, goodwill, openness and trust.

Caring behaviours are the life blood of a relationship.  They are those small, frequent acts of sensitivity, kindness and caring that let our partner know that she or he is important to us.  They range from a warm greeting on return home, to a phone call during the day, to special gifts and cards at birthdays and anniversaries, to a back rub or a foot rub for a tired partner.  They are signs that we matter and that our relationship is important.
 
A lessening of caring behaviours is often a sign that the relationship is under stress or that negative feelings are accumulating and grudges are being held.  Often partners wait for good feelings to return before continuing caring behaviours.  However, these good feelings are frequently elicited only by experiencing such caring behaviours.  Therefore, to improve a relationship, it is important to take the initiative in offering acts of caring and kindness.  It is important that each partner take responsibility for offering caring behaviours rather than waiting to see what his partner is going to do, in a tit-for-tat fashion.  The following exercise is an important one to sustain a loving, nurturing relationship.  Practice it whether or not you at present feel committed to your relationship.  The only way you can make an intelligent decision about staying or leaving is to see how you feel after such positive acts of caring have been taking place.
 
EXERCISE:  Make a list of 12 or more behaviours that your partner does, could do or that you wish he/she would do that help you to feel more loved, important, special.  Think carefully of your wish list.  It is a list of small present or potential sources of pleasure in your life.  Make the list specific, e.g. not “I want you to be more considerate” but “I would like you to carry the groceries out of the car and stay and help me to put them away when I have been shopping”.  Or “When I come home from work I would like 20 minutes to be left alone to unwind and read the mail”.  Be as specific as you can.  You can add to the list later as you think of other caring behaviours, but for now write at least 12.  These are some examples from other people:
 
“I feel cared about when you…”
 
“…give me a massage or bath (not only as a prelude to sex)”.
“…shampoo my hair”.
“…ask me about my work or how I’m feeling or how my day went”.
“…plan an evening out instead of me planning it”.
“…kiss me goodbye in the morning”.
“…hold my hand in the movies”.
“…put your arm around my shoulder or your hand on the back of my neck”.
“…rub my head or play with my hair”.
“…do one of ‘my’ chores (e.g. make dinner, wash the dishes, mow the lawn)”.
“…exercise with me”.
“…are nice to my parents/friends”.
“…call during the day or if you are going to be late”.
“…give me love notes”.
“…bring me flowers”.
“…snuggle with me in the morning before we get up”.
 
You can include special circumstances, e.g.
 
“When I am sick, I love it when you…”.
“When I am tired…”.
“When I am worried…”.
“When I am afraid…”.
“When I am unhappy…”.
“For celebrations…”.
 
Then exchange lists with your partner.  Read each other’s list carefully and clarify any confusion you may have as to what is being requested.
 
Feel free to add any caring behaviour your partner has listed to your own list, if it is something you too would find pleasurable.
 
Post your partner’s list somewhere you’ll see it every morning, e.g. bathroom mirror, dresser, fridge.  For the next week, make a point of expressing your caring in at least 3 actions daily that your partner has requested.
 
Each evening, review both lists, mark the caring behaviours you noticed that your partner offered and the date, thank your partner, and if there are caring behaviours you’ve offered that your partner didn’t notice or mark, gently call attention to them.
 
Continue to offer caring behaviours and to acknowledge with appreciation those you receive.  We all need to feel appreciated and we all want to receive pleasure.  Take responsibility for noting or requesting those things that make your life happier, and don’t expect mind-reading.  Caring behaviours nurture a relationship and create an atmosphere in which tenderness and love can thrive.